This blog post is for single people. If you are not currently married, then keep on reading.
Before you begin a new relationship- end your current one.
This sounds basic, but it isn't!
Many people fail to close one chapter of their lives before starting a new one. This hurts them and their loved ones.
Please, for the love of others and the love of self, end your relationship before starting a new one.
If you find yourself in a relationship that needs to end- it probably hurts.
Here are some indicators that you're in an unhealthy relationship:
Things were going great, until you took a good look and realized that they weren't.
Suddenly you find that you don't stay up talking late into the night anymore.
You rarely see each other, or if you do, there's no connection.
They don't have the same life goals and values that you do.
You have a lot of chemistry, but no idea how to be partners in life together.
You fight all the time.
You don't fight at all, because there is no emotional charge to the relationship anymore.
Your relationship isn't moving towards anything. It is stale. Stagnant.
It's over and you know it in your gut. You know it because you've prayed about it and you feel a gentle tug to trust Him and to walk away from this relationship. You know it because your closest friends and family are worried about you. You keep ignoring the red flags waving in your face.
Regardless of the reason, eventually you will come to that place when you know it is time, but it is SO HARD to end a relationship.
Things you say to yourself to put off ending a relationship:
- "But we were great together."
- "We love each other."
- "We've bonded over 4 years together."
- "We've been together so long, I don't know if I can do life by myself."
- "I don't know how to be in a relationship with anyone else."
- "I am afraid to be alone."
- "I need the physical connection."
Those things may all be true.
But is that a reason to waste your entire life, just plugging along with no introspection?
You are spending the most important resource you have (time) with someone who isn't their best when they are with you and doesn't bring out the best in you. That's wasteful! It is a waste of your life and time and resources and it is a waste of theirs!
Here are some indicators that you're in a healthy relationship:
The person you are with values you. (You can tell because they seek your opinion and share theirs. They want to spend time with you, and not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.)
The person that you are with sharpens you. (You light up when they are around. You feel more confident with them at your side. They make you think about things differently. They magnify the best parts of you, instead of shrinking you down.)
When you two are together, you are more of a presence than each of you apart. (The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.)
Your life feels joyful when you consider them. (Not miserable, or even tolerable, but full of joy.)
Of course, there are ups and downs in relationships. It isn't rainbows, butterflies and puppies every day- come on people, be real. But these are some themes that should be showing up in your life and relationship when it is a healthy one. If these aren't even remotely close to where you're at in your relationship, your relationship either needs work or it needs to end.
Don't make excuses- end your relationship clearly and with closure before embarking on a new journey with someone else.
This gives you integrity.
It gives you closure.
It gives you the opportunity to get to know yourself again before jumping into a new relationship. Scary as that is, you want to know yourself better. By knowing yourself better you can share deeper intimacy with others.
You won't be able or ready to recognize the opportunity for a healthy new relationship unless you are willing to let go of the last one.
It is scary to be by yourself, especially if it has been awhile. It is hard. Scary. Uncomfortable. Awkward.
But by moving through those emotions and the pain of saying goodbye to something, it allows you to open the door for something else.
Don't cling to mediocrity. Open up your hands to receive whatever is coming your way next.
Thank you for putting serious thought into who you date and how you date. It does make a difference!
Until next time- take care, ~Molly
P.S. If you want to talk to someone about this please fill out the Contact form found here. I would love to help you!