Meet Jessi. She's pictured below.
She's going to tell us about a dating mistake she made, and how you can avoid it.
Jessi is a 27-year-old world adventurer. She grew up in a small town in Kansas and has since traveled to many different places. She's been in banking, marketing, and had varying career paths. Most recently she decided to teach English. She took a TEFL course. Then she picked up and moved to Germany because she felt like God was calling her to adventure there.
Isn't she awesome? Are you in love with her already?
She's going to teach about dating today. We had a great talk, and she shared with me what it is like to be a Christian woman in the world of dating. She shared a lot of juicy information, but the one thing that seemed most important to share is this key idea:
#1- Don't compromise your standards
Jessi had a list that summed up her dream guy. This list covers the most important qualities, character traits, and habits that she wants her man to have.
(Sorry gentlemen, she didn't share the complete list with me. She did have an item that might surprise you- we'll get to that in a minute.) She felt like God laid those things on her heart, but her friends said, "Jessi, your criteria is never going to be met. And if you keep up your list of what you want in a guy, you're going to be single forever."
Uhhhhh, pump the brakes- what?? This is so NOT okay. It sounds like a lie that the world tells us doesn't it?
Those people made Jessi doubt her own beliefs. She said "I have a really specific list. Like, I want to marry a guy who is a virgin, and people were like, Jessi, just erase that off your list, you're never going to find that. So when I was 23 years old I was like, you know what? I'm forgetting about this list. I'm just going to date someone and if I like him, then I like him. So I met this guy, and I liked him. And he was a really sweet guy. But he didn't fit everything that was really on my heart. But I ignored it. I told myself that I needed to be open minded and so I'm just going to ignore my list. And to be completely honest, he didn't have ANYTHiNG I wanted on my list."
Jessi learned the hard way that changing her standards didn't help her.
Jessi and I have different ideas about the specifics of the list, but that's another post for another day. The key takeaway here is for you to get clear on what's important to you, and stick with it! Don't let your friends, a guy, or even your family change the standards that you have stamped in your heart and conscience.
"God created you for you to have that list in your head of what you want in a guy. But so many people settle, and they think, 'okay I need to settle because this isn't attainable.' But then they are unhappy and then they end up being mad at the guy because he doesn't add up to this list, and that's just not fair. I realized that I had resentment that he didn't fulfill my list. It started crouching into our relationship. I started to get mad at him for stupid stuff and it was because I wanted someone different. And I was almost trying to change him.
So, keep that darn list! There's a reason you have it. There's a reason God put that in your heart."
You can't throw away your values. They always come back to you. If you stuff your values and pretend like you can get over them- it'll bite you in the butt. When that happens you have a few options. You can:
try and change the person you're with (read=WILL END POORLY)
change your values (read= HIGH RISK)
let go of the person you're with (read=OUCH).
None of those options are fun. It is hard to let someone go, and that's what Jessi decided to do. It was hard. It hurt. But it was the best thing for her AND for him.
"Through it I learned how I wanted my guy to treat me and what I didn't want to deal with and what I wanted to put up with, all that stuff. So it was a good learning point for me. It made me realize that I want to keep that list. My heart still really felt like if God doesn't want to fulfill that list, then He'll change my heart. He'll make me okay with it."
It's best to keep your dreams from the beginning. Make sure the person you're dating has a parallel life with parallel dreams that you can work with. They don't have to have the same exact life goals as you, but they can't conflict.
The lesson we can learn from this is that your standards and values are important.
Don't throw them away. It will put you in a place of pain. If you are in that place where you feel stuck and have to make a decision, reach out to me. I want to help you through that. It is tough and you don't have to do it alone.
Until next time- take care,
P.S. If you want to talk with someone about this stuff- shoot me a text: (480) 771-0942 I'd love to help!