Do This One Thing Before Starting a New Relationship

This blog post is for single people. If you are not currently married, then keep on reading. 


Before you begin a new relationship- end your current one. 


This sounds basic, but it isn't!


Many people fail to close one chapter of their lives before starting a new one. This hurts them and their loved ones.  


Please, for the love of others and the love of self, end your relationship before starting a new one. 


If you find yourself in a relationship that needs to end- it probably hurts. 


Here are some indicators that you're in an unhealthy relationship: 


Things were going great, until you took a good look and realized that they weren't.


Suddenly you find that you don't stay up talking late into the night anymore.


You rarely see each other, or if you do, there's no connection. 


They don't have the same life goals and values that you do.

You have a lot of chemistry, but no idea how to be partners in life together.


You fight all the time.

You don't fight at all, because there is no emotional charge to the relationship anymore.


Your relationship isn't moving towards anything. It is stale. Stagnant.  


It's over and you know it in your gut. You know it because you've prayed about it and you feel a gentle tug to trust Him and to walk away from this relationship. You know it because your closest friends and family are worried about you. You keep ignoring the red flags waving in your face. 


Regardless of the reason, eventually you will come to that place when you know it is time, but it is SO HARD to end a relationship. 


Things you say to yourself to put off ending a relationship: 


  • "But we were great together."  
  • "We love each other."
  • "We've bonded over 4 years together." 
  • "We've been together so long, I don't know if I can do life by myself."
  • "I don't know how to be in a relationship with anyone else."
  • "I am afraid to be alone."
  • "I need the physical connection."


Those things may all be true. 


But is that a reason to waste your entire life, just plugging along with no introspection?

You are spending the most important resource you have (time) with someone who isn't their best when they are with you and doesn't bring out the best in you. That's wasteful! It is a waste of your life and time and resources and it is a waste of theirs! 


Here are some indicators that you're in a healthy relationship: 


The person you are with values you. (You can tell because they seek your opinion and share theirs. They want to spend time with you, and not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.)


The person that you are with sharpens you. (You light up when they are around. You feel more confident with them at your side. They make you think about things differently. They magnify the best parts of you, instead of shrinking you down.) 


When you two are together, you are more of a presence than each of you apart. (The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.)


Your life feels joyful when you consider them. (Not miserable, or even tolerable, but full of joy.) 



Of course, there are ups and downs in relationships. It isn't rainbows, butterflies and puppies every day- come on people, be real. But these are some themes that should be showing up in your life and relationship when it is a healthy one. If these aren't even remotely close to where you're at in your relationship, your relationship either needs work or it needs to end. 


Don't make excuses- end your relationship clearly and with closure before embarking on a new journey with someone else.

This gives you integrity.


It gives you closure.


It gives you the opportunity to get to know yourself again before jumping into a new relationship. Scary as that is, you want to know yourself better. By knowing yourself better you can share deeper intimacy with others. 


You won't be able or ready to recognize the opportunity for a healthy new relationship unless you are willing to let go of the last one.


It is scary to be by yourself, especially if it has been awhile. It is hard. Scary. Uncomfortable. Awkward. 


But by moving through those emotions and the pain of saying goodbye to something, it allows you to open the door for something else.


Don't cling to mediocrity. Open up your hands to receive whatever is coming your way next. 


Thank you for putting serious thought into who you date and how you date. It does make a difference! 


Until next time- take care, ~Molly


P.S. If you want to talk to someone about this please fill out the Contact form found here. I would love to help you! 

Why Pro/Con Lists Don't Cut it When it Comes to Dating

You have trouble knowing which guy is the right guy. You feel all these feelings for him, but you're stuck.


Feelings are fleeting.

They aren't enough to make a relationship healthy because feelings are always changing. 


Ah! You think. I know- I'll be logical about it! I'll make a pro/con list! 




Pro/Con lists fall short of what you are really needing.


I want you to think logically about dating the right guy.


I just want you to do it better than a simple Pro/Con list. 


Here's why Pro/Con lists miss the mark: 


1) They look like they are objective, but they aren't. 


You know this is true. You start to feel like the sides are becoming uneven. You start to fill in one side and then when it becomes too uneven you jump to another. You may even ask your friends or family for input. They will strengthen one side or another, depending on their perceptions of the situation. You can always skew the results to go with how you are feeling at the moment. 


2) They don't tell the whole story. 


A pro/con list tells only ONE side of the decision. For example: Should I date my coworker? Your Pro/Con list will only show one part of that decision. 


Should I date Steve?


Pros: I will have more fun at work, I will be happy, We are cute together, He has good hair, He will help me with work projects, ...


Cons: People in the office will talk, I won't look professional, I might get fired, I'll be distracted at work, ...


This zeros in on ONE idea- the idea of dating Steve. It makes you focus on one potential reality. It leaves out the possibilities of NOT dating Steve or dating Josh instead. It isn't open to other opportunities. You want to see the whole picture of your decision, not just one part. 


3) They put a lot of pressure on the length of each side. 


You see that one side is longer than the other and you automatically think that makes the decision for you. Instead, you should be looking at the quality of the Pros and Cons. Yes, it is a Pro that he has good hair, but does that have the same weight as you potentially getting fired? No. Unless dating a guy with good hair is the number one value in your life.


As we process things visually and we see uneven distribution we automatically feel that one side has more weight than the other.


Piaget noticed that at a certain point children recognize that the amount of a substance remains the same even when superficial features change. Once you have passed through that stage of development (which, if you are reading this, then you definitely have), then you understand that an 8oz bottle is an 8oz bottle, even if one of them is short and fat and the other long and lean. You understand that the appearance doesn't change the volume. 


But, a list is abstract. It is much more difficult to convince yourself of the weight of a Pro or a Con as it sits in words on a page. Even though your brain as an adult is fully developed, it can still be conned into thinking that because there are so many more Pros than Cons that this is the right decision- even if the Pros are minuscule comparatively. 


If you must make a list:

Instead of a Pro/Con list, make a list of GAINS and LOSSES for BOTH sides of the decision***.

This is much less about the list itself. It is more about the experience of creating that reality in your mind. It allows you to fully feel the weight of what it would be like to step through a door of opportunity, or alternatively, to close that door. You can create these lists by putting yourself in the future in your mind and picturing everything that you would gain and lose by making that decision. You should be able to make a list of at least 20 on each. 


For example: 

If I were to date Steve I would gain:

  • A romantic relationship.
  • A mature boyfriend.
  • Confidence in myself.


If I were to date Steve I would lose: 

  • The respect of my coworkers. 
  • Potentially my job. 
  • Time with my children. 
  • My ability to do what I want when I want. 


Wait at least a day before switching to the gains and losses of a new decision. Allow yourself to sit in the emotions it brings up for you before jumping to the next list. Keep adding and adding, even when you think you're done.


Then, the next day or a week later you can do the same with an alternative option. It might look like this: 

If I were to turn Steve down I would gain: 

  • A more productive work environment. 
  • Some more time to myself to do the things I really want.
  • More time with my children.

If I were to turn Steve down I would lose: 

  • His adoration/closeness. 
  • The special attention (flirting) he's been giving me at work. 
  • The confidence I've had lately. 

***This concept of Gains and Losses is not my own. I learned about it from my supervisor Dr. Jennifer Nelson during my time at Friends University. 


Remember that abstract words on a page are difficult to process. After you have made your lists, you can re-write them on unlined paper. Make some items bigger or smaller, using different colors to represent the feelings that come up. You can underline and highlight important ones. Make the items large that really loom large in your mind and on your heart. This will make a more accurate depiction on paper of what you feel and see in life. 


Thank you for putting serious thought into who you date and how you date.

It matters!


Until next time- take care,



P.S. If you want to talk to someone about this please fill out the Contact form found here. I would love to help you! 

The #1 Dating Mistake You DON'T Want to Make

Meet Jessi. She's pictured below.

She's going to tell us about a dating mistake she made, and how you can avoid it. 

Jessi is a 27-year-old world adventurer. She grew up in a small town in Kansas and has since traveled to many different places. She's been in banking, marketing, and had varying career paths. Most recently she decided to teach English. She took a TEFL course. Then she picked up and moved to Germany because she felt like God was calling her to adventure there. 


Isn't she awesome? Are you in love with her already? 


She's going to teach about dating today. We had a great talk, and she shared with me what it is like to be a Christian woman in the world of dating. She shared a lot of juicy information, but the one thing that seemed most important to share is this key idea:


#1- Don't compromise your standards


Jessi had a list that summed up her dream guy. This list covers the most important qualities, character traits, and habits that she wants her man to have.

(Sorry gentlemen, she didn't share the complete list with me. She did have an item that might surprise you- we'll get to that in a minute.) She felt like God laid those things on her heart, but her friends said, "Jessi, your criteria is never going to be met. And if you keep up your list of what you want in a guy, you're going to be single forever." 

Uhhhhh, pump the brakes- what?? This is so NOT okay. It sounds like a lie that the world tells us doesn't it?

Those people made Jessi doubt her own beliefs. She said "I have a really specific list. Like, I want to marry a guy who is a virgin, and people were like, Jessi, just erase that off your list, you're never going to find that. So when I was 23 years old I was like, you know what? I'm forgetting about this list. I'm just going to date someone and if I like him, then I like him. So I met this guy, and I liked him. And he was a really sweet guy. But he didn't fit everything that was really on my heart. But I ignored it. I told myself that I needed to be open minded and so I'm just going to ignore my list. And to be completely honest, he didn't have ANYTHiNG I wanted on my list." 


Jessi learned the hard way that changing her standards didn't help her. 


Jessi and I have different ideas about the specifics of the list, but that's another post for another day. The key takeaway here is for you to get clear on what's important to you, and stick with it! Don't let your friends, a guy, or even your family change the standards that you have stamped in your heart and conscience. 


"God created you for you to have that list in your head of what you want in a guy. But so many people settle, and they think, 'okay I need to settle because this isn't attainable.' But then they are unhappy and then they end up being mad at the guy because he doesn't add up to this list, and that's just not fair. I realized that I had resentment that he didn't fulfill my list. It started crouching into our relationship. I started to get mad at him for stupid stuff and it was because I wanted someone different. And I was almost trying to change him.


So, keep that darn list! There's a reason you have it. There's a reason God put that in your heart." 


You can't throw away your values. They always come back to you. If you stuff your values and pretend like you can get over them- it'll bite you in the butt. When that happens you have a few options. You can:


  • try and change the person you're with (read=WILL END POORLY)

  • change your values (read= HIGH RISK)

  • let go of the person you're with (read=OUCH).


None of those options are fun. It is hard to let someone go, and that's what Jessi decided to do. It was hard. It hurt. But it was the best thing for her AND for him. 


"Through it I learned how I wanted my guy to treat me and what I didn't want to deal with and what I wanted to put up with, all that stuff. So it was a good learning point for me. It made me realize that I want to keep that list. My heart still really felt like if God doesn't want to fulfill that list, then He'll change my heart. He'll make me okay with it."   


It's best to keep your dreams from the beginning. Make sure the person you're dating has a parallel life with parallel dreams that you can work with. They don't have to have the same exact life goals as you, but they can't conflict.


The lesson we can learn from this is that your standards and values are important.

Don't throw them away. It will put you in a place of pain. If you are in that place where you feel stuck and have to make a decision, reach out to me. I want to help you through that. It is tough and you don't have to do it alone. 


Until next time- take care,



P.S. If you want to talk with someone about this stuff- shoot me a text: (480) 771-0942 I'd love to help! 

27-year-old Christian womderful woman Jessi

What No One Tells You About Over-Analyzing

It feels ironic to be writing a blog post about over-analyzing. I feel like it might add more fuel to the fire and give you more information to over-analyze. 

But if you read this post and ACTUALLY apply it- you'll be and feel and function better! 


Why you are over-analyzing:

#1- You're scared to make a decision/you feel like you won't make the right decision. 

You over-analyze because you would rather think and logicalize (I know this isn't a word, but you get it) your way around making a decision than feeling the emotions of that decision or actually make a decision. It's too scary. So you think about it, dwell on it, get it stuck in your head like an annoying song, and then you talk to all your friends about it. All without moving forward. Not very helpful. 


#2- You're avoiding a decision you know you should make

In this case, you know the decision you should make. You feel it in your gut, but you don't want to make the change. It is either inconvenient or uncomfortable or you don't like change. Change is too scary and too hard. 


#3- You don't know how to analyze a situation in a healthy way and then follow it with a decision. 

This takes practice and coaching. You might need someone to say "ENOUGH! Make the decision already." It's hard to know when you have enough information, but life moves quickly, and if you spend all your time making the decision, you won't have any time left to enjoy the decision you've made. 


How to stop over-analyzing:


#1- You can learn to recognize your thoughts

that lead to over-analyzing situations, and then you train yourself to take the exit ramp off the worry expressway (not to be confused with Highway 60, which always causes me stress for some reason!) by distracting yourself with other things. You already recognize when you're over-analyzing situations. You catch yourself doing it. The key is to start catching yourself sooner and sooner, and before you know it, you can catch yourself right as you are getting started and then choose to do something different. 


#2- Allow yourself an amount of time to journal

about this particular situation. By getting things down in black and white you can literally see your thoughts. This takes them from being abstract and in your mind to something tangible that you feel you have control over. Things suddenly become clear. The time restriction is important here. When the timer goes off, finish your sentence and walk away. Force yourself to practice the habit of managing your thoughts. 


#3- Pray about it

You'll hear this often from me. I don't care. We are designed to be in communication with our Creator constantly. If you are stressing about a situation, bring it to Him. Talk openly with Him about it. Listen to what He has to say. He may offer you a specific step or He may be silent. Either way, your job is to bring it to Him. 


#4- Serve another person.    

Put aside your own thoughts and your own situation and seek out other people who you can serve in some small way. Allow yourself and your own issues to go on the back-burner while you take care of someone else. Not only is this what we are called to do, but this puts our own issues into perspective and reminds us that there is a bigger purpose outside of what we may be seeing at the moment. If we are so concerned with ourselves, it leaves very little room to serve other people. Over-analyzing can be a disguise for selfishness. 


#5- Make a small decision

No matter how small, it will help you gain confidence and will allow you to learn from the experience. This increases your decision-making abilities for next time when the decision is a bit bigger. 


Over-analyzing is sometimes glorified in our culture, but it can be debilitating.

It keeps you from living your life because you are contemplating instead of living! You're thinking about all the possible outcomes and often, especially if you are a perfectionist you're thinking of all the ways you could screw it up.

Stop over-analyzing and start living. If you want help applying the principles above, I'd be happy to help you along. I have appointments available. (480) 771-0942

Until next time- take care,


I'm taking a break from dating!

I hear this all the time. "I am so over the dating scene. I'm taking a break from dating!" 

Then, a week later, you're back on Eharmony, Christian Mingle, Match, Plenty of Fish, or whatever Christian dating site you're currently using. It's like an addiction.  It may make you feel better that you're taking yourself out of the game for a minute or two. If you need a breather, that's fine! But if you want to have a little more purpose with your break, keep reading. 

I'm not going to tell you whether to take a break from dating, but what I will do is outline what a good break looks like and how to do it well if you really want to take a break. 


  • Decide the purpose for the break.
    Why are you taking a break? What do you hope to accomplish? Do you want to give time for more people to join on the site? Are you looking for a personal breakthrough? What is the goal of this break?


  • Depending on the purpose, set aside enough time for the purpose to come to fruition. Personal goals don't happen overnight. They take time and effort. Take into account how much time your goal might take to complete and give yourself a window of time to complete it. 


  • Give the password to your dating sites to a good friend.
    Have her change the password for you and don't get the new one from her until A) You've hit your goal and achieved your purpose OR B) The allotted window for your break has passed.  Bonus: If you want extra accountability tell her your goals and have her keep you accountable to hitting them before logging back into the online dating scene. 


  • Decide what you'll do with your extra time.
    This goes a little more specific than the overarching goal. Figure out how much time you spend on the dating sites, and then picture yourself doing other things during that time. Will you take up knitting? Or piano lessons? Do you have a book you've been trying to finish? What do you want to do with this small bit of extra time? Picture yourself doing those things. Celebrate the fact that you are taking this time for you, and really soak it in! 


  • Set the rules for your break.
    You're a grown up. You know your weaknesses. Decide what your rules are and stick to them! Will you allow yourself to be set up on blind dates during this time?  What if you meet someone randomly, will you go out with them during this time if they initiate?  What if an old fling shows up and you think it's worth giving it another try, do you have to wait til your break is over? Think through these scenarios, but more importantly, come up with your own. What issues do you expect to have? Playing out your decisions ahead of time will help your brain to actually relax during your break (because the decision has already been made, you just have to carry it out.) This is way better than overanalyzing and second guessing every little detail. You don't have to follow the rules that you set, but if you don't, what does that tell you about your follow-through? Think about that!


  • Finally, PRAY ABOUT IT. Christians need to stop talking about praying and start actually doing it. It's hard. It's not glamorous. It requires being quiet. But it is so worth it. Tell God what is in your heart and in your thoughts. See what He has to say back. Maybe you won't hear anything clearly, but maybe you will. It is up to you to keep asking, seeking and knocking.

How do you want to spend your break- with self-doubt and questioning, or with a sense of purpose and joy? I hope you choose the latter.

Remember when we were in school and breaks were fun? You can get that feeling of freedom back by following the guidelines above.


Until next time- take care,




P.S. If you want to talk with someone about this stuff- shoot me a text: (480) 771-0942 I'd love to help! I have appointments available.

4 questions to ask yourself before moving forward in a relationship

You've been talking to this girl for awhile now. She seems to like you a lot. You definitely like her and you want to move forward, but how the do you know when it is time to move forward? 

Here are 4 questions to ask yourself before moving forward in a dating relationship:


How long have you guys known each other?


Because duh. If you met them today that's something to keep in mind. Sometimes it feels like you've known them forever, but take a second and think about how long it has actually been. 


Have you been hanging out in different environments? 


AKA, do you guys always go out to eat on dates, or do you do things more in line with who you are as a person? I would suggest doing some other stuff besides eating and watching movies together. The Superstition Mountains are AWESOME. Try taking a hike- plus you get the benefit of seeing what your date looks like in the daylight.

Or if you're more of a "stop and smell the roses" kind of a guy, you could take a stroll through the Mesa Community College Rose Garden
It's a public garden open 24/7! Whatever you do on your dates, learn more about each other so you see more than how they treat your server at the restaurant. You can see how they treat other people, if they enjoy nature, etc.

If you're super into something (like quilting or playing video games) invite your date to join you for a class or a lesson on those things. You can learn a lot about someone when you see them in different settings.


Have you seen her in her own environments? 

Do you know her friends, where she works, what she does for fun, etc. and how she behaves in those different settings? Ask her if she has any specific hobbies she'd like to share with you. Maybe she's really into watching chef shows and re-creating gourmet meals. See what you can learn about her by her routines and what she enjoys doing. Take the opportunities to get to know her friends and hang out in groups. Not only is it fun, but you'll gain so much knowledge from it! You can see the role that she takes on with her different friends and the different parts of her personality will show up. Be open to trying new things together and take notice of how she acts. When is she most in her element? Do you find yourself attracted to her then? 


What do you guys have in common, and what is way different?

What kind of church does she go to? What does she do for fun? What schedules do you guys have? What are her big dreams and do they clash with yours? What is her involvement with her family? These are just good things to know. Remember- differences are not deal breakers, but it is good to go into a relationship with knowledge. 


After asking yourself these questions- what's the feel you get? If your head is spinning with what you don't know, then take the time to find these things out. If you've got a good grasp on most of these issues and you feel like you haven't seen any red flags yet, then prepare yourself for your "next step" or as we used to call it the "DTR" conversation- and enjoy it, who knows? It could be your last one! 


Until next time- take care,


P.S. If you want to talk with someone about this stuff- shoot me a text: (480) 771-0942 I'd love to help! 

Why Relationships Fail

I'm not going to give you some cliché answer that your friend might give you post-break-up. I won't say that he wasn't good enough for you, or he sucks or he doesn't even know what he's walking away from. Those are fine things for your friend to say if they are true. It's awesome to have great friends who give you encouragement in that crappy moment.

But, I'm not your friend so I'm going to give you something better. A takeaway for your next relationship to end differently- or not at all. 

Relationships can fail for a million different reasons. I'm not even going to pretend to scratch the surface of it today. But here are two reasons for you to think about. 

Reason number #1 - you aren't ready to be in a relationship

"What??? Rude!" - that's what you're saying to me.

I know.

I know.

But think about it... are you?

Are you really ready to be in a relationship? Do you feel like you're making healthy choices in other aspects of your life? Have you dealt with the baggage from the last relationship? Are you seeking attention for your self-esteem?

What about the way you spend your time- do you spend your time in ways that bring you joy and bring value to others?

Are you "mature" - not in the world's eyes, but in your eyes, in God's eyes? Do you feel like you're growing at least? Making progress?

Look- you don't have to be perfect for your relationship to succeed. But, you do have to be growing. 

Reason your relationship failed #2- your partner wasn't ready. 

For all the same reasons above- she might just not be ready. She has baggage from her last relationship so she can't believe you when you say she's beautiful. She's afraid to love. She isn't quite ready to be with you because she's afraid it will actually work and last. Any number of these issues could be true.

That's okay. It isn't your fault. 

If that's your situation right now- that totally sucks. It hurts when you love them and you're ready and they just aren't. Timing can be everything. 

Here's the thing: people are not perfect. We don't grow at the same rate.

Psychologists have come up with developmental milestones and supposed timelines that we should hit, but we don't all follow the same timeline, and we definitely don't follow it at the same time.

If she isn't quite ready for a real relationship with you, you can't be her Savior. Don't try to be. 

But, you CAN be a light to her. Even during a bad breakup. You can let her go with grace and without added wounding and baggage from you.

Who knows? Maybe the timing will work out later. Maybe there's a great adventure waiting for you right around the corner.

Until then- take good care of yourself,


Is there a Soul Mate for everyone?

"Who doesn't long for someone to hold, who knows how to love you without being told. Somebody tell me why I'm on my own if there's a soul mate for everyone." ~Natasha Bedingfield in her song Soul Mate

I love music. I love the way it can make us feel things more powerfully, and can even healthily purge us at times.

But I also am a logical thinker. So I like to break down lyrics and really analyze them. I don't want to listen without considering the words that I'm ingesting.

So let's break this down Natasha. I hear you in the first phrase. "Who doesn't long for someone to hold?" Yeah, longing for someone to hold and to hold you is such a powerful feeling. It can be super lonely and depressing and super hard.

You lose me when you say "who knows how to love you without being told" Who can know how to love you without being told?!? That is setting up an unrealistic expectation for our significant other. You HAVE to tell people how to love you. No one can read minds. Not psychologists or magicians or even therapists or coaches! You still have to people them how you love to be loved.  This goes for lovers, parents, children, friends- ANYONE you're in a relationship with. You need to offer real-time feedback. "When you come home and give me a real squeeze, that makes me feel so loved and connected with you." Or "When you give me flowers on our anniversary, it makes me feel so secure in our relationship."

Things like that. It may not feel magical in the moment- but it will help your relationship to flourish. A relationship founded on honesty has a solid foundation to grow!

"Somebody tell me why I'm on my own if there's a soul mate for everyone."

This one I completely disagree with. You get married and then you become soul mates through years of hard work and compromise. (I call it mutual submission, but that's another post for another day). Reality check: SOUL MATES ARE NOT REAL. (If by some chance you do happen to find one be careful! They might change on you! People are always growing and changing- at least healthy people should be!)

Yes, you may be "in-love" or "in-fatuated" at times. But there is not ONE solitary single person in the world that you are SUPPOSED to be with. If you're a reasonable human being you could make a relationship work with another reasonable human being (most likely.) And yes, of course, some people are more compatible than others. But don't waste your life wondering and worrying about finding THE ONE, or asking yourself "IS THIS THE ONE??" You'll make yourself crazy because the answer is NO. There is no one perfect soul mate (other than God) who will never let you down and always make you feel fulfilled. So stop looking for that. Your time is way better spent working to better yourself. Ask yourself if you have the character qualities that you're looking for in other people. Do you want someone kind, generous, and goal-oriented? Ask yourself: "Am I kind? Am I generous? Am I goal-oriented?" If not- work for those qualities that you're looking for.

What you focus on you create. Focus on your strengths and where you can build from there. You'll start to notice yourself grow those qualities in yourself. Think about the impact THAT will have on your interactions with others.

A Glimpse into Rory Gilmore's first Coaching Session

Spoiler Alert: This blog contains references to the most recent release of GG- A year in the life. 

I've been a Gilmore Girls fan forever. It's only natural I should kick off my blog with these ladies.

In "A year in the Life" Rory was not living the life that she knew she should. She couldn't remember to break up with Pete, or Paul, or whatever that guy's name was. She barely remembered she was dating him. She was cheating on him. She treated him awfully. And that's not Rory. It wasn't who she wanted to be and it wasn't right. 

There are ways to date well and ways to really screw it up.

Yeah. I'll say it, even though Lorelai wasn't able to. Rory did treat him awfully. That didn't make her awful, but the actions she was taking weren't healthy or good for her or for anyone. Is that really how anyone would want to treat someone else???

If she had come to me and gotten some relationship coaching, her life could have looked a lot differently.

First, she would have become clear about her goals. What is it really that she wants when it comes to her relationships? Let's get clear on that and write some things down. She'd have to sit for just a minute. Slow down. Think about what she really really wants. Then she'd write them down. Make them clear. I probably would have asked her these questions: 

"Do you want to be in a secret relationship with an engaged man?"

"Do you want to be in an additional relationship with someone you rarely see and have no feelings for?"

(I'm assuming her honest and truthful answer to these questions would be No. It might take her awhile to get to that point where she can be honest with herself, but I bet she could get there.)

Next, we visualize the future: 

"What kind of relationship do you want to be in?"

 "What step can you make right now to move towards that goal?"

I'd help her focus on the present.  Once she knows what she wants to create in her future, she can come up with steps to get there. I give ideas, input, and offer suggestions, but she comes up with her game plan.

"Rory, this is about YOU and your future. What do you want it to look like?"

Let's say, for example, she wanted her future to include a healthy, exclusive relationship with a man who cared about her and was willing to commit to her. 

I'd encourage her with ideas for steps to make that happen. Who is she surrounding herself with? What does she spend her time on? What other ways could she spend her time to encourage that possibility to become a reality?

She'd then describe more of what she wanted and the steps to get there would become evident through our work. We'd break the steps down into bite sized pieces, create deadlines for them, and begin to get to work.

No more floundering.

No more confusion.

The road would not be perfect, but it would be clear. She'd likely change direction at some point because let's be honest- life changes! But she'd at least be clear on which direction she was headed and what she needed to do to get there. She could continue meeting with me weekly to make sure she stays on track with her new habits as long as she wanted/needed. She'd continue to make better and better decisions based on the values of the person she was working to become.

Now, would that make for a good show? Maybe not. I don't direct or produce shows.

But it would make for a great life.

Don't you think?  

(Disclaimer: I have no magic abilities. I can't create a perfect partner for you out of thin air, but I can help you become the person you want to be in order to attract and allow that great partner to recognize you.)